Is Overcommitment Crowding Out Your Relationship?

Jen and her boyfriend are a wonderful Christian couple, but they are also busy people. Wait ? let me rephrase that, they are extremely busy people. In fact, one week their calendars were so full, they only had one open spot: Friday evening. So, they scheduled a date for that night.

Then, Wednesday evening, Jen got a call from John, the youth pastor. ?Jen, we really need another female chaperone or we?ll have to cancel the girls? event on Friday night. Can you help us out??

Jen was torn: Should she help out or not? Yes, her boyfriend would understand if she volunteered, but she?d already volunteered at church two other days that week. It wouldn?t be fair to cancel on her boyfriend. But still, she argued with herself, the girls have really been looking forward to this event. They need me. Plus, being a Christian means sacrificing things. How can I refuse to help?

And so, Jen once again donned her cape and Superwoman title, using ?I can do all things through Christ? as her motto.

Yes, Jen can do ?all things through Christ,? but are they things God purposed for her to do?or are they a task meant for another believer?

How about you?
Is it hard for you to say ?No??? We?ve all heard about the Mom who couldn?t say ?no? and how it stressed her out and cut into her time with her children, or the workaholic Dad who missed all of his son?s soccer games.

But have you heard of the overcommitted girlfriend or boyfriend?

They?re out there. I know, because I?m one of them. I?m often guilty of taking on too much, and it starts to crowd out my relationship. Now, of course it is important to be available to serve the Lord. But sometimes we think that we are the only ones who can help and get into a pattern of prioritizing everything else over our relationship. It?s quite easy for urgent things to come up week after week and the interruption can become a habit. Eventually, your boyfriend (or girlfriend) begins to feel ignored and unimportant, creating a gap in your relationship.

However, Christ exhibits the exact opposite of this. Rather than allowing things to crowd the relationship out, He makes His relationship with His bride a priority. Following this example, marriage books promote the importance of making your relationship a priority and not neglecting your spouse. Now, there is the potential that we may one day marry our boyfriend/girlfriend, so shouldn?t we treat our relationship with them with similar respect?

Here are some practical steps we can take to avoid overcommitment:

1. Do not answer immediately. Pray about it, check your calendar and seek godly counsel if necessary. You may also want to consider screening your calls to avoid feeling pressured to give an immediate response.
2. Count the cost. Ask yourself: Is committing to this activity/performing this favor going to cut into my time with God, my family or my boyfriend/girlfriend? Is this becoming a regular habit or is it an occasional event?
3. Pray. God doesn?t intend for you to do everything. In his book, Freedom from Tyranny of the Urgent, Charles Hummel points out that ?As Christians, we feel an obligation to be a good Samaritan. Yet we must realize that the need itself, however urgent, is not necessarily a call for us to meet it. The need may be an occasion to do what the railroad signs command: ?stop, look and listen??and to be open to changing our plans if necessary. But the call for us to act must come from the Lord, who knows our limitations (Ps 103:13-14).?
4. ?Give them a lead. If you decline an opportunity to serve, you may want to suggest another person that might be able to help them out.
5. Communicate your limitations. For example, instead of just saying, ?Yes, I will babysit your kids,? be more specific. For example, you could say something like, ?I?m excited to watch your kids but I get off of work at 5 p.m. So, I can?t get to your place any earlier than 6 p.m. and, because I have an early morning appointment, I will need to leave no later than 11 p.m.?? Don?t assume that people will read your mind. Make your limitations known up front to avoid being overstretched and volunteering more time than you have to give.
6. Consider serving together. If you feel God leading you to volunteer but also feel like you need to spend more time with your significant other, then see if it?s something you can do together.
7. Don?t feel guilty. You don?t have to justify or explain why you can?t do it. Just say no graciously and trust that God will provide the right person to fill the role.

Learning to say ?no? is a critical skill to develop early on?even before engagement, marriage or kids. If we know how to guard our relationship priority with this simple two-letter word, we will reap benefits for years to come.

Source: Charles Hummel, ?Freedom from Tyranny of the Urgent.? Downers Grove: Intervarsity Press, 1997 (p. 62)

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